i did this

I’m afraid of my attention span because I start to read and then stop as I get distracted by another headline or watch an Instagram story of a new baby. I tend to click on the stories of those who have new babies. And I never thought I would be that type of content consumer. But isn’t it funny how we surprise ourselves and the way we act on the internet? We think nobody is watching but I just saw a banner ad for a bouncing baby jumper and damnit, I’ve fallen into the own web I helped to create. 

Writing in My Head

 Struggling to imagine that I have new thoughts worthy of being put on paper. I’m always crafting earth-shattering descriptions and paragraphs and essays in my head. The light will pass through the window and hit a butter knife in the drying rack on the kitchen counter and I will describe how the afternoon glare is soft and buttery yet sharp like only a ray of sunshine cutting through winter chill can be. I think to myself that it is a beautiful description, that I should write it down, but then I scold myself. It’s not like I’m the only one who sees a sunbeam and thinks to describe it in writing, in a poem. It is paralyzing. Being a writer and never writing anything down. 

I think I’m stuck on making it new. I always think of Ezra Pound driving home that writers shouldn’t write anything unless it is new. Although, when looking deeper into his motto, it seems like it wasn’t a “new” idea at all...https://www.guernicamag.com/the-making-of-making-it-new/

But there is something to be said that the writing world is so saturated. There’s so much, too much, of everything. Too much noise, too much content, too many voices. Why would I add to that?

I write every day. But it’s about garage doors. It’s PRs for off-road races. It’s copy for cannabis websites. 

There’s also a level of exposure with writing. This has always been the case, but it’s accentuated now with our hyper-connected globe. Either your writing is lost in a sea of voices, or people connect with it and it explodes. 

I guess it all comes down to fear, though. And I keep hearing about how you miss the shots you don’t take…

 Apathy will be the death of me. 

Writing in a Vaccum

in this world of hyper-connectivity, a blog feels like speaking into a void. it's an online diary that feels so private and i truly don't know how i feel about it. in another sense, it is cathartic to have a place, a platform to write. it's been a long time since i've written on this blog but that seems to coincide with tej-tej's world... my last post was 2014 so that says a lot. i've moved to three different cities, with three different jobs, bought a fixer-upper triplex, and had a child! i would like to get published and this seems like a good place for me to practice my essay writing, poetry, and story ideas. 

the child

red sock, blue sock

how do socks get lost in the wash

i send my baby to school with mismatched socks

she comes home covered in paint and food and mud from playing outside all day anyways

working to define this new identity

as a mother

a partner

still a daughter, a sister, a friend

i imagine that will be a life-long balance

embracing everything, including this new toe-head light of my life

Writing

Writing is hard. It is something we all struggle with- we are thinking beings and to get those thoughts down in coherent words is hard. Writing as a career is even harder. I know I have constantly harped/complained/bitched/lamented on this subject but I realize I was going about it all wrong.

Trying to become famous through blogs as a new writer is really impossible. It has been done and there are always those success stories that make you so jealous, it hurts. But it isn't reality.

I finally got a job writing for a legitimate company. And I am writing about something that really interest me- the outdoors. I have realized that you reach the world-wide audience through places where audiences already exist (duh) and then hopefully the personal blogs also flourish because you have a following. It also helps when you have some sort of perimeter to write in instead of blindly looking for topics...

Maybe I'll get some fans...want to be my fan? Here is the stuff I have already published with Wide Open Spaces- http://www.wideopenspaces.com/author/mateja-lane/

I should maybe also change this blog's title to "wannabe famous writer" ...

New Blog!

I started writing for a website where I may make some money!
http://matejalane.hubpages.com
It won't be that different from my personal blog but hopefully I will get more traffic on the Hub site and more people will read my thoughts. If I have anything silly, I will still post here. Lot's of writing!

Making A Difference

I feel like I am having an existential crisis...trying to find a job in the tech market just feels so lifeless. How am I supposed to feel alive while writing software copy or selling AT&T. It just makes me feel so small and unnecessary. I was talking to my friend recently who works for a NGO saving the whales. I have another friend working with malnourished children in Africa. I'm sure they get some sort of pleasure from these positions. I always thought I would change the world and it's really inhibiting my job search. I realize that each working part of a company make the work influential as a whole but I feel like I want to make more of a difference on this Earth. I am just having a hard time caring about finding a meaningless job when our world is falling apart, what with ISIS beheading journalists, racism and police brutality, WWIII on the horizon and all the other things Vice reports on. But maybe I'll just write write Earth shattering software copy...at least it pays the bills.

Here are some lyrics from a Fleet Foxes song I found myself humming while I wrote this blog post:

Helplessness Blues

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique

Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see

And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be

A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

Old School

I have been reading Dostoevsky again. Maybe I'm missing my studies and I spent a lot of time with Dostoevsky to write my thesis. Maybe I missed his psychotic unstable characters. But there is something about reading classics that make the reader nostalgic for a time passed. A simpler time, maybe? Realistically, no. I think passed generations had it a bit harder than the 21st century. Although, it does seem like the problems the characters have are much more immediate and small. Whom shall I marry? The neighbor has been frequenting the tavern so regularly...Did you know the milkmaid ran away with the butcher? Now with global connectivity, neighborhood drama is just gossip. Who cares about the little things when ISIS is taking over the Middle East, dictators are using chemical warfare and police brutality is getting out of hand. The level of transparency in our world today may be just really expose the ugliness of human nature. At least back in the 19th century society masked it pretty well so as uphold dignity. I'm not sure which is better but the 21st century definitely longs for a simpler time. It seems that the Medieval Age definitely wins in the nostalgia category. I can tell you, that was not a happier time. Mainly due to lack of sewage systems. But between Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Clash of Clans, there is something alluring about feudal lords, knights, kings, jousting, swords...they just don't show the shit in the streets. Anyways, I think it's interesting that we obsess on generations passed and romanticize all the good things. I'll keep on reading the classics for the time-being. Besides reading Jonathan Franzen and Zadie Smith, I feel like Dostoevsky is more challenging than most contemporary authors at the moment...

Yes, I guess this idea isn't novel and groundbreaking...Monty Python got there first.

Passed Past

I miss yesterday.

It will never happen again.

Doesn't it make you wish you did more with yesterday?

Not quite regret but just

longing.

That you used that hour more...progressively?

Efficiently?

Wieldly?

If you make a word an adverb it seems to long more.

Desire more.

Desire morely. 

Desire wisely. 

***********

kitchen disasters?

So, as we have established...I have a lot of time on my hands, what with moving to a new city, unemployment and healing from knee surgery. I have been watching the Food Network...so I've been cooking! And baking! And failing! I was obsessed about this gnocchi dish I saw on Southern at Heart. That girl is just so darn cute with her Kentucky accent and all. So, I tried to recreate this oh-so-easy recipe. Spoiler: it came out just fine, actually really good. It just took me probably 3 times as long as this gal on TV made it. The dough was just so sticky and I had a huge mess as I tried to roll my gnocchi dough down a fork to make the little ridges. By the way, the Food Network labels this recipe as "easy." I felt like a failure. But I kept going. Next step was to boil the little cheese pillows and then fry them in bacon grease. Yum. But...my bacon grease was sizzlin and as I dropped the little nuggets in, the grease popped everywhere. Another mess. I definitely burned myself somewhere during that step. My final mistake was to add dates into the sauce because the recipe called for them. But I hate dates. I apparently thought they may be magically transformed in this special sauce. Anyways, long story short, the meal came out wonderfully I just had a big mess to clean up and the preparation took forever...not to mention the 80$ grocery tab.
I just have been thinking about all these meals I have been cooking and the cinnamon rolls I have been baking and the bread and how I have never tried to be a good cook, never really wanted to be. But there is something comforting about making something that is pleasant to eat, it's good and it's good for you because you know all the ingredients you put in it. I have really realized how rewarding cooking can be and even though it is frustrating, time-consuming and I am always my worst critic, it helps the healing process.
Here is the recipe:
 http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/damaris-phillips/goat-cheese-gnocchi-with-bacon-dates-and-kentucky-wine-sauce.html
And some pictures of my cooking:

Plus, baking treats make great instagram photos...

Pinch of This

Pinch of this,

Pinch of that,

Oh, wait, that was too much.

Shit, that's on fire.

Does bubbling mean it's overcooked?

Wait, that's ok.

Just sip some wine, it'll improve the taste.

But it's not so bad right? 

I'm never doing this again.

What's on the Food Network?

We need to run to the store...

Time

Since I have all this time on the couch...
Once again I am bed-ridden. I got surgery on my right knee, some cartilage under my knee cap was warped. It is most likely residual from my car accident, to injure that particular area of cartilage you need to hit the knee cap pretty hard. Isn't that funny how I now claim ownership to something that was completely out of my control. My car accident... I wonder if my blog should now revolve around my injuries. That may be a depressing blog. Anyways...this go-around is really mild compared to other surgeries I have had and I guess I am grateful for that. Only 6 weeks recovery! Woohoo! I wonder if the sarcasm shows...
So, I guess I have time.
And time is such a funny thing...
I think this is such an interesting time for me. "Interesting" being a euphemism for "really freaking strange." I fluctuate from feeling so optimistic about all the things ahead of me to down-right depressed because I'm still unemployed...I think the youth right now is kind of in a strange position. I think we grow up now to feel more entitled, like we deserve more than we have. I especially feel that with my education I am somewhat worth something even though I have never even had a real job. Anyways, as I try to quell the raging storm of thoughts that go through my head during my couch time, I really always end up with the conclusion that everything will probably be alright.

Professional Endeavor

Careers are just that
do they use you?
can you be jealous of job pursuits?
really knowing is by being aware.
Charity skewed.
Kicked to the curb.
and you just run
and fuck
and sometimes smile.

Success is in the eye of the beholder.
abandonment.
and holdings.
and age.
Time may be the professional endeavor...

Can't Stay Away

I need to write. Even if I use this space for a personal diary; it is a place where I can muse and reconsider, make assumptions or claims free of judgement. It keeps me from talking to myself out loud. Writing is cathartic. Blogs can be an online journal. Sometimes it scares me that it is public but if someone needs to hear my writing voice, this can be an option.

I have been going to a writing group, a workshop, here in Austin. People applauded my voice. They liked my narrator, me. They like me, they really like me! I think I will edit some of my stories from the hospital with the group and the compile them into a small memoir. We talked a bit about selling books in this market (some people in the group have published books.) They say that the most difficult thing with sales is that the consumer doesn't know who the hell you are. We talked about how important social media and marketing is with authors. Authors are now expected to basically sell themselves and their work through social media. They must tweet daily, update Facebook statuses, spit out blogs, pin and post pictures on Instagram. All in between actually producing work and most likely having a job that produces steady income.

I think I have important things to say and I will use this space to say it. Yes, blogs are narcissistic. Yes, social media is just reinforcement that you are someone important and people "like" you. But this is the world we live in. All art is in itself a form of narcissism, really; the author, artist, dancer just wants to be recognized as brilliant and necessary. They just want to be liked. Artists are really just people with low self-esteem and need constant validation. And that is the way it has always been.

I have lately been preoccupied with reading about the moderns and the women behind them. I read The Paris Wife by Paula McLain, a historical fiction written from the perspective of Ernest Hemingway's 1st wife, Hadley. I just finished Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Ann Fowler. Both books overlap with the stories of both couples in Paris in the 1920s. Both books are fantastic. Both books really dive into what life would be like married to each of these literary moguls. Both Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald were extremely self-conscious; bad reviews of their works would literally throw them into deep, drunken depressions. I think that period of literature is fascinating and Paris in the 1920s is irresistible reading. And the women behind these great men are so important to everything that was produced in that period of art. Talk about artists with low self-esteem...

I also have been letting my trip to Southeast Asia really sink in and am realizing I am missing it already. I am missing the history and just traveling in general. I miss having to plan trips, deciding what sights to see, what activities will be memorable. Oh, to be rich enough to just travel all the time. Here is a quote from Z; "There is a word for people who move from place to place, never seeming to be able to settle down for long: peripatetic" (Fowler, 142).  I have been thinking about this quote a lot and really think that I could live anywhere. I want to live in so many more cities around the country. I want to live in Europe. I want to have a life like the Fitzgeralds or the Hemingways in the '20s- moving from Paris, to summer homes by the French coast,  to the mountains for the winter, back to the U.S. That's what I want. But one day at a time. Here are pictures of the inspiring women behind amazing authors and then another few to quell my travel nostalgia.

Hadley and Ernest Hemingway

Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald

Women

By, Mateja Lane

Now that we are us

that we have a place in society, 

an important place,

is it more difficult?

Is it harder to keep tradition

while we push to modernity?

The women in the past

struggled to find their

voice.

meaning.

direction. 

But aren't we still there?

Swimming upriver,

running in sand, 

trying to find our place 

in time and space.

I did it

So I did it. I moved across the country. To a hot and muggy city. To a place so overflowing with hipsters it may be so hip that it ain't hip anymore to be so hip. To a place where if you haven't heard of that new band then get outta here. I moved to Austin.

But it's something I never thought I could do and I did it. And I needed it. I needed to step out of that beautiful California comfort bubble at least once in my life. I think it's important for one's pretentious levels to live in a state other than California...

And you know what, the barbecue in Texas has been worth it so far. 

And I think it's a good temporary step to really maximize the fun for the rest of my 20's. 

So here I am! I returned from traveling SE Asia for 2 months, packed my car and drove off. Me, the boy and the cat. 

Southeast Asia was heartbreakingly beautiful. We saw some really cool things but also some terrifying environmental atrocities. Like Nepal, that region has a trash problem. Southeast Asia is also a bit like Mexico for the Eastern world (Australian Spring break anyone?) but if you're looking for a cheap travel destination, SE Asia is worth every penny. 

So, this is both an update and a call for change. I realized this blog has nothing to make it special, nothing to give it incentive to read besides to update people on MY life (so narcissistic). So my new goal is to think of a new, fresh, worthy, lucrative(?) idea for Tej Tej's world. 

I'll let y'all know when I come up with something good. Here's a poem though to at least keep up with my current themes...

Make it New

In the past, you know that far away time and place where

Things

Made

Sense,

Was it easy to write?

Was it easy to make it big?

Because not everyone had the skill, the means, the desire.

I think of the moderns.

To change the tides of literature they needed to 

"Make it new"

Well Ezra, I'm waiting for you. 

Come tell me how to make this life new. 

Phew. 

Hopes Dashed and yet so Revitalized

So, as I feared, I did not receive the Fulbright Grant. It was maybe too good to be true. There's nothing stopping me from applying in the future so maybe next year. I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. Because now I will finally fulfill my dream of moving to Austin. I am looking for writing jobs and applied for a travel content writer specializing in the Eastern hemisphere. Speaking of the Eastern hemisphere...I am going back. I am traveling for 2 months to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia but who knows where else. We (boyfriend and I) have 2 months and our itinerary is pretty lax. Indonesia may be in the plan somewhere...

I am very excited to be away from all that is familiar. I really think travel makes you a more rounded person. It makes you deal with anything with so much more finesse. Anything that is unexpected in life is put into perspective when you've seen how other, maybe less fortunate, people live. It also makes you more savvy in life. While traveling you have to figure out train times, accommodations, ordering foreign foods, all usually in a different language. Traveling pops your comfort bubble. Hopefully, I'll have a few blog posts on my journey. Look out for pictures!              

From now on, poems will be mine.

This is it

This is the only time.

It will never happen again,

This second, that minute, that last hour will never happen

again. 

So why dwell?

That second is already done.

Why wait? 

That is also something of the past now.

This is the time.

This, there, is the place.

Now is the time.

So go do everything. 

See everything.

Be everywhere.

And know that cliches can sometimes be real:

Time is fleeting.

Time is running out.

Time flies when you're having fun.

There's no time like the present.

Time after time.

This is the time.

I was really tempted to end that poem with #YOLO...

Up to the Date

I left off kind of outlining my many future adventures. I haven't yet heard back from Fulbright but in pure Mateja fashion I am really doubting my credibility. To put it bluntly: I'm not holding my breath. Yes, I have a lot of things going for me like that I am familiar with the culture, language and geography but I'm really competing with the big dogs here. I realized my competitors are most likely PhD candidates, published and just real life scholars. You can't even apply to the Slovenia grant without your Masters...or better. Anyway, just wanted to stress my worries about that situation. Luckily, I have a back-up plan: move to Austin! The city I have promised myself I would live a couple years of my 20's in. I have been looking at some Assistant Professor positions at the University of Austin Texas. So, there's that.

I also informed my readers that I was going to Nepal! Well, I did that. And it was a culture shock, to say the least. I have never traveled to SE Asia before this and I really don't know how to put my experience in words that are euphemistic enough to say what I mean. But it was wild. If anyone wants to be really "believe" in overpopulation, go to SE Asia. If anyone wants to "believe" in global warming due to the waste we produce, go to SE Asia. I thought I was prepared for a third world country traveling through Chile, Central America and some grungy parts of Europe. But wow. This level of poverty was something I could not quite shake. The amount of social responsibility, especially for a Westerner, was sometimes too much to bear. I couldn't bring myself to haggle for a 1.50$ in Rupees. This is quite a negative review. There were so many positives to add to the (initially) overwhelming negatives. The Himalayas are spectacular. Humbling. Fantastic. Freaking Huge. But if I saw one more piece of trash littering the most beautiful mountain range on our planet, I probably would have lost it. It got better as we got higher but, my god. My Mt. Everest. Nepal is amazing though, in it's own special third worldly way. Anyways, going way into this and there are more things to update y'all with. Like that I'm going back to SE Asia.

My boyfriend is traveling Thailand and Cambodia until February. Until I can join him. Yes, after all that I am going back to SE Asia. I need more, I guess. We are meeting in Vietnam and going up through Cambodia, Laos and Northern Thailand, then traveling down the Vietnamese coast back to Ho Chi Minh City.  We'll see how it goes...I had a dream about riding elephants last night so I am taking it as a good sign.

Here is a poem to leave off from my venting. Actually, instead of leaving you with someone else's poem, I will write my own.. It's time. And I am now in a creative writing group and I have gotten some pretty good feedback. I was always petrified of other people reading my writing but I don't think it's as bad as I think...

Double Edged Sword

This is different.
On the one hand it's just that, different.
On the other hand, it's sad.
This state of life is not a state of life.
Crawling out of a pile of trash as an insulated house is not life.
But maybe it is, it's their life.
And you look at their faces, raptured with such humbling happiness.
And you can't be happy with your three car garage and your 45 K salary.
Because it's hard.

They take their happiness from the looming mountains above them,
From their children's gleeful smiles,
From that extra dollar the westerner gives.

While people use their country everyday for the humbling experience of their nature,
this is their every day life.
This is what they live for.

It's all happening...

I sincerely apologize for my inaction. Apparently people actually read my blog for I have been getting rousted for my lack of communication. I always thought that blogs are a bit pretentious, especially personal ones. Who really cares what you are doing? But I guess that's the whole point of social media anyways...to prove to yourself that you are important enough that people want to know what you are doing. So, I will update and muse about what I have been doing as of late.

Fulbright
I am applying for the prestigious title of Fulbright Fellow in Slovenia. I am proposing to work with the post-war tension in the former Yugoslav republics that I have noticed while visiting. I aim to explore how media, literature and pop-culture may be influencing how people see the war and perceive the bordering nations. There is still quite blatant prejudice in Slovenia with their Balkan neighbors and I hope to ease the tension with an online multicultural center. Stay tuned...I find out if I get the grant in January. If I go to Slovenia next year then I think I will stay on at the University of Ljubljana to pursue a PhD in Slavic Studies. 

In the meantime I am TRAVELING!

First trip: 
I am going to the Dominican Republic for a wedding and then to Puerto Rico for a week with the boy with a pit-stop in NYC for my birthday tomorrow! Ready to party in the city and then get some sun...

2nd trip:
I am working part-time for my dad as a rep...the company I am primarily working for is Sherpa Adventure Gear. As much as I complain about the job (I hate driving to accounts and essentially being a slave to the buyer) there are some perks...like going on the company dollar to NEPAL. Yes, Sherpa Adventure Gear is flying all their sales reps to Kathmandu to tour the factories and have a sales meeting. AND they are taking us on a trek through the Annapurna Valley. So, I am getting ready for a spiritual journey and some exotic culture. 

3rd trip:
My brother is in Argentina for the year!! My friend Jesi lived in Buenos Aires for 2 years and her good friend is getting married. Jesi wants me to be her date. Score. 

4th trip:
My boyfriend has a one-way ticket to Thailand...Him and his pals are doing a surf trip through Indonesia. After the selling season/trade shows in January I am going to meet him in Cambodia and travel for a few months. No concrete plans yet...suggestions are welcome. I am very interested in Laos...

So, that is what I am up to. I also need to up my blogging because I am boasting about my blog skills in my Fulbright proposal so come back soon! 

For the parting poem this post, I think I will leave you all with a poem about traveling.
This is a poem by the great Scottish writer Robert Luis Stevenson, you may have heard of him...(Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) but he was also an amazing travel writer...

Travel

I should like to rise and go
Where the golden apples grow;--
Where below another sky
Parrot islands anchored lie,
And, watched by cockatoos and goats,
Lonely Crusoes building boats;--
Where in sunshine reaching out
Eastern cities, miles about,
Are with mosque and minaret
Among sandy gardens set,
And the rich goods from near and far
Hang for sale in the bazaar;--
Where the Great Wall round China goes,
And on one side the desert blows,
And with the voice and bell and drum,
Cities on the other hum;--
Where are forests hot as fire,
Wide as England, tall as a spire,
Full of apes and cocoa-nuts
And the negro hunters' huts;--
Where the knotty crocodile
Lies and blinks in the Nile,
And the red flamingo flies
Hunting fish before his eyes;--
Where in jungles near and far,
Man-devouring tigers are,
Lying close and giving ear
Lest the hunt be drawing near,
Or a comer-by be seen
Swinging in the palanquin;--
Where among the desert sands
Some deserted city stands,
All its children, sweep and prince,
Grown to manhood ages since,
Not a foot in street or house,
Not a stir of child or mouse,
And when kindly falls the night,
In all the town no spark of light.
There I'll come when I'm a man
With a camel caravan;
Light a fire in the gloom
Of some dusty dining-room;
See the pictures on the walls,
Heroes fights and festivals;
And in a corner find the toys
Of the old Egyptian boys. 

Robert Louis Stevenson

Future

Hello,

I have been thinking of late about my future. Crazy stuff. So, what does one do with a Masters degree in British and American Literature? Is teaching the only option? We will see...I can read and write well and I hear that in this job market (this terrible job market) that those skills are actually needed. That's sad but lucky for me?
I am applying for the Spring Internship at Lonely Planet here in Oakland. I went and toured their offices and I would be a happy Tej-Tej if I could work with them. They have a room entirely devoted to photo-viewing for when a co-worker returns from a trip. Leslie (the marketing girl) told me the latest one was when a co-worker returned this summer from Croatia. Pretty sweet. Every Thursday evening the Lonely Planet crew goes across the street to grab a beer at Linden Street Brewery.

Suffice to say...I want to work for them. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I also have been looking at internships with Sunset Magazine. That would also be awesome. Most of their internships are in New York City though. I am not sure I want to move away from the Bay Area yet but maybe it would be a fun new experience.

Another option on the table is furthering my education and going on to get my PhD. If I were to do that (it is not looking like an extremely lucrative decision because tenure is harder and harder to get) I would most likely study Slavophile literature and focus specifically on Slovene literature.  Maybe I could translate since I am fluent in Slovene...but in order to achieve this next feat, I think I would move back to Slovenia and live in Ljubliana with my cousin. Which would be amazing. I wouldn't apply until Fall 2013 for the 2013/2014 school year.

I go back and forth; freaking out and then telling myself I have time. I realistically don't have that much time to figure stuff out...I graduate in May with my Master's....hopefully I will have something lined up by then. If not...then...? I feel like ever since my accident, I take things day-to-day and bad things really don't faze me as much as they used to. At least I am not in the hospital with a dozen broken bones. Life is good.

When I was home for Thanksgiving, I met a friend's boyfriend who just happens to be the general editor of Powder Magazine. He told me that the best way to get noticed by a publication of this nature is to blog about skiing. So I may have some blatant ski/snow posts as the Spring comes. Working for Powder would be awesome. Except that they're located in San Clemente. I don't know how much I would like living in Southern California...but we'll see. That would be a pretty cool opportunity.

And I will leave you guys today with a poem about snow by Wallace Stevens. It really captures the beauty and tranquility of a snowy landscape. I have also beheld "[n]othing that is not there and nothing that is" while walking in the snow...it's a beautiful moment.

The Snow Man

One must have a mind of winter 
To regard the frost and the boughs 
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow; 

And have been cold a long time 
To behold the junipers shagged with ice, 
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think 
Of any misery in the sound of the wind, 
In the sound of a few leaves, 

Which is the sound of the land 
Full of the same wind 
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow, 
And, nothing himself, beholds 
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

Blogs I revere...

Because I am inundated with school work, I feel that I have been neglecting my blog as of late. So, this next blog is to entertain my readers and give you guys references of other blogs that I love. You can read them to take up some of your daily reading time. I'll put the blog and the link and then give you a little summary on why I think that particular blog is so excellent. 

Local Milk 

This blog is mainly SPECTACULAR recipes but it also boasts some amazing photography and the author's meditations on the world. For instance her last post wasn't just a recipe for pork confit & black eyed pea cassoulet with honeycrisp apple & sweet potato mash (!!!) but also photos of Appalachia and this poetic rumination: "Time is crass. It sterilizes and homogenizes. But here, in these wild pockets of the South that are still left intact, it's been less profane. I crave being in the heart of Appalachia so much it's actually uncomfortable, a physical tugging I can feel from my sternum to the pit of my stomach. The mountains, they prey on my mind. I want to know them intimately because I want to know myself." 

TwentyFourBit

This is my go-to blog for new music and news on artists that I love. It's an indie music blog but usually has some really interesting entries for artists from all genres. The latest post is on Frightened Rabbit's new EP...

Awkward Robots

So, this is subjective...this is my good friend, Natalie Smith's blog and she is very funny. She hasn't posted anything in a while but I'll tell her that now that I am endorsing her she'd better get back to it...

Aziz is Bored

Aziz Ansari is my favorite comedian at the moment and his blog is really entertaining. If you are bored there is a chance Aziz might be too...

high sierra yoga

Also biased here, but it really is an incredible blog. My friend Amy Harris's new blog is called high sierra yoga and it is wonderfully multi-faceted including her writing, photography and a place to sign up for her yoga classes. She has been blogging her food adventures for a couple years now and is translating her expertise to this new blog. She is pretty amazing...

So, these make up my favorite blog collection. I hope you enjoy them!

And per usual I will end with a poem Garrison Keillor read on the daily almanac a few mornings ago. It is called "Bless Their Hearts" by Richard Newman. This is taken from the Writer's Almanac blog. It kind of reminded me of how I feel about this past campaigning season...but I also just really liked it and wanted to share. Garrison Keillor reading it is very pleasant as well. Listen. 

Bless Their Hearts 

At Steak ‘n Shake I learned that if you add
“Bless their hearts” after their names, you can say
whatever you want about them and it’s OK.
My son, bless his heart, is an idiot,
she said. He rents storage space for his kids’
toys—they’re only one and three years old!
I said, my father, bless his heart, has turned
into a sentimental old fool. He gets
weepy when he hears my daughter’s greeting
on our voice mail. Before our Steakburgers came
someone else blessed her office mate’s heart,
then, as an afterthought, the jealous hearts
of the entire anthropology department.
We bestowed blessings on many a heart
that day. I even blessed my ex-wife’s heart.
Our waiter, bless his heart, would not be getting
much tip, for which, no doubt, he’d bless our hearts.
In a week it would be Thanksgiving,
and we would each sit with our respective
families, counting our blessings and blessing
the hearts of family members as only family
does best. Oh, bless us all, yes, bless us, please
bless us and bless our crummy little hearts.

"Sleepwalk" and Stuff on my Mind

Wow, I finally saw "Sleepwalk with Me," only a month later...But I've been busy.
I liked it.
Very interesting content. I listened to the episode "Fear of Sleep" from "This American Life" sometime before. It features Mike Birbiglia and the audio from his stand-up  He talks about his REM disorder. The anecdotes are really funny, until you stop and realize that they're really serious. Like when he jumped through a closed window from the second floor of a hotel. ("La Quinta Inn, that's not fair...you can't force me to speak Spanish...")

I think the most important thing from this film is that it shines light on this really serious disorder. And it shines light on it through comic relief making it more comfortable for people watching who may sleepwalk, or have the disorder. This film hopefully spurred people who have REM sleep disorder to get help.

Mike Birbiglia is so likable. I didn't quite realize how heavy it was going to revolve around his relationship but that content too was realistic and truthful. All in all I am happy that I finally saw it. Although, Mike Birbiglia and Ira Glass are hosting a pizza party Friday, October 12,  to watch the film all together through the cyber world. The film can now be downloaded. Well, at least I got the student discount on the tickets at the movie theater...

I have been working on my Master's project. I have decided I want to work with utopias (or dystopias) found in Russian literature, specifically Fyodor Dostoevsky's Brothers Karamozov. Super exciting stuff.
So, here is the place where I will be fleshing out my ideas. Stay tuned.

And as promised here is a poem I read last night by W.H. Auden. I take it to be about reciprocity...are the stars his lover that doesn't reciprocate his love?

The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How well should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

Shameless self-promotion

In this day and age an online presence is quite valuable and, as much as I resisted a while back, I am slowly creating one. Therefore, even the technologically-stunted Tej is building her online reputation.

http://about.me/matejalane

about.me is a great reference because it eliminates the endless search for social media sites that your potential employer may do. And it shows that you're not hiding anything by readily giving them permission to see your raunchy Facebook profile.

In other news...

This Friday I am FINALLY seeing Sleepwalk With Me, a film by Mike Birbiglia and produced by Ira Glass, the host for This American Life (a man I have revered for a long while). So, check back later in the week for a personal review of the film...I am pretty excited.

The preview of the film is on the This American Life website...

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/

Instead of a poem, I will leave you with a quote from Mike Birbiglia. He is a pretty funny guy...

"When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" 

I'm Back!

It has been a year since I have posted anything in my blog! But I have returned to Mills College to finish up my graduate degree. I am feeling oh-so intellectually stimulated and that is when I feel most inspired to share things with everyone. So this is basically a new introduction post. These are the things that have been on my mind lately...

Here is a video I just watched of a street artist Blu.

http://vimeo.com/13085676

Pretty wild! It is hard to fathom the actual production of a project like this one.

I also just bought Aziz Ansari's new stand up Dangerously Delicious for 5$...and it is hilarious. I recommend it, best 5$ I have spent in a while.

http://azizansari.com/

And his blog is very entertaining...

http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/

As the semester goes on I will share my ideas and projects here. I am enrolled in a Sci Fi Literature class (very surprising for me but it seems like it will be intriguing...), Literature and the Commons (I will do a post explaining the idea of a "commons" next week), a Fiction Workshop (first time I have shared my own work!), and a Graduate seminar focusing completely on different types of Expository writing (which seems very relevant).
I will also finish each post with a poem per usual...

This poem was written by William Carlos Williams in 1923. He was known for very short (but sweet) poems. Take from it what you will...obviously very different interpretations across the board. This poem is used often in Critical Theory courses, which is where I was first introduced. Enjoy!

The Red Wheelbarrow

so much depends

upon

a red wheel

barrow

glazed with rain

water

beside the white

chickens.