Time

Since I have all this time on the couch...
Once again I am bed-ridden. I got surgery on my right knee, some cartilage under my knee cap was warped. It is most likely residual from my car accident, to injure that particular area of cartilage you need to hit the knee cap pretty hard. Isn't that funny how I now claim ownership to something that was completely out of my control. My car accident... I wonder if my blog should now revolve around my injuries. That may be a depressing blog. Anyways...this go-around is really mild compared to other surgeries I have had and I guess I am grateful for that. Only 6 weeks recovery! Woohoo! I wonder if the sarcasm shows...
So, I guess I have time.
And time is such a funny thing...
I think this is such an interesting time for me. "Interesting" being a euphemism for "really freaking strange." I fluctuate from feeling so optimistic about all the things ahead of me to down-right depressed because I'm still unemployed...I think the youth right now is kind of in a strange position. I think we grow up now to feel more entitled, like we deserve more than we have. I especially feel that with my education I am somewhat worth something even though I have never even had a real job. Anyways, as I try to quell the raging storm of thoughts that go through my head during my couch time, I really always end up with the conclusion that everything will probably be alright.

Professional Endeavor

Careers are just that
do they use you?
can you be jealous of job pursuits?
really knowing is by being aware.
Charity skewed.
Kicked to the curb.
and you just run
and fuck
and sometimes smile.

Success is in the eye of the beholder.
abandonment.
and holdings.
and age.
Time may be the professional endeavor...

Can't Stay Away

I need to write. Even if I use this space for a personal diary; it is a place where I can muse and reconsider, make assumptions or claims free of judgement. It keeps me from talking to myself out loud. Writing is cathartic. Blogs can be an online journal. Sometimes it scares me that it is public but if someone needs to hear my writing voice, this can be an option.

I have been going to a writing group, a workshop, here in Austin. People applauded my voice. They liked my narrator, me. They like me, they really like me! I think I will edit some of my stories from the hospital with the group and the compile them into a small memoir. We talked a bit about selling books in this market (some people in the group have published books.) They say that the most difficult thing with sales is that the consumer doesn't know who the hell you are. We talked about how important social media and marketing is with authors. Authors are now expected to basically sell themselves and their work through social media. They must tweet daily, update Facebook statuses, spit out blogs, pin and post pictures on Instagram. All in between actually producing work and most likely having a job that produces steady income.

I think I have important things to say and I will use this space to say it. Yes, blogs are narcissistic. Yes, social media is just reinforcement that you are someone important and people "like" you. But this is the world we live in. All art is in itself a form of narcissism, really; the author, artist, dancer just wants to be recognized as brilliant and necessary. They just want to be liked. Artists are really just people with low self-esteem and need constant validation. And that is the way it has always been.

I have lately been preoccupied with reading about the moderns and the women behind them. I read The Paris Wife by Paula McLain, a historical fiction written from the perspective of Ernest Hemingway's 1st wife, Hadley. I just finished Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald by Therese Ann Fowler. Both books overlap with the stories of both couples in Paris in the 1920s. Both books are fantastic. Both books really dive into what life would be like married to each of these literary moguls. Both Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald were extremely self-conscious; bad reviews of their works would literally throw them into deep, drunken depressions. I think that period of literature is fascinating and Paris in the 1920s is irresistible reading. And the women behind these great men are so important to everything that was produced in that period of art. Talk about artists with low self-esteem...

I also have been letting my trip to Southeast Asia really sink in and am realizing I am missing it already. I am missing the history and just traveling in general. I miss having to plan trips, deciding what sights to see, what activities will be memorable. Oh, to be rich enough to just travel all the time. Here is a quote from Z; "There is a word for people who move from place to place, never seeming to be able to settle down for long: peripatetic" (Fowler, 142).  I have been thinking about this quote a lot and really think that I could live anywhere. I want to live in so many more cities around the country. I want to live in Europe. I want to have a life like the Fitzgeralds or the Hemingways in the '20s- moving from Paris, to summer homes by the French coast,  to the mountains for the winter, back to the U.S. That's what I want. But one day at a time. Here are pictures of the inspiring women behind amazing authors and then another few to quell my travel nostalgia.

Hadley and Ernest Hemingway

Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald

Women

By, Mateja Lane

Now that we are us

that we have a place in society, 

an important place,

is it more difficult?

Is it harder to keep tradition

while we push to modernity?

The women in the past

struggled to find their

voice.

meaning.

direction. 

But aren't we still there?

Swimming upriver,

running in sand, 

trying to find our place 

in time and space.

I did it

So I did it. I moved across the country. To a hot and muggy city. To a place so overflowing with hipsters it may be so hip that it ain't hip anymore to be so hip. To a place where if you haven't heard of that new band then get outta here. I moved to Austin.

But it's something I never thought I could do and I did it. And I needed it. I needed to step out of that beautiful California comfort bubble at least once in my life. I think it's important for one's pretentious levels to live in a state other than California...

And you know what, the barbecue in Texas has been worth it so far. 

And I think it's a good temporary step to really maximize the fun for the rest of my 20's. 

So here I am! I returned from traveling SE Asia for 2 months, packed my car and drove off. Me, the boy and the cat. 

Southeast Asia was heartbreakingly beautiful. We saw some really cool things but also some terrifying environmental atrocities. Like Nepal, that region has a trash problem. Southeast Asia is also a bit like Mexico for the Eastern world (Australian Spring break anyone?) but if you're looking for a cheap travel destination, SE Asia is worth every penny. 

So, this is both an update and a call for change. I realized this blog has nothing to make it special, nothing to give it incentive to read besides to update people on MY life (so narcissistic). So my new goal is to think of a new, fresh, worthy, lucrative(?) idea for Tej Tej's world. 

I'll let y'all know when I come up with something good. Here's a poem though to at least keep up with my current themes...

Make it New

In the past, you know that far away time and place where

Things

Made

Sense,

Was it easy to write?

Was it easy to make it big?

Because not everyone had the skill, the means, the desire.

I think of the moderns.

To change the tides of literature they needed to 

"Make it new"

Well Ezra, I'm waiting for you. 

Come tell me how to make this life new. 

Phew. 

Hopes Dashed and yet so Revitalized

So, as I feared, I did not receive the Fulbright Grant. It was maybe too good to be true. There's nothing stopping me from applying in the future so maybe next year. I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. Because now I will finally fulfill my dream of moving to Austin. I am looking for writing jobs and applied for a travel content writer specializing in the Eastern hemisphere. Speaking of the Eastern hemisphere...I am going back. I am traveling for 2 months to Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia but who knows where else. We (boyfriend and I) have 2 months and our itinerary is pretty lax. Indonesia may be in the plan somewhere...

I am very excited to be away from all that is familiar. I really think travel makes you a more rounded person. It makes you deal with anything with so much more finesse. Anything that is unexpected in life is put into perspective when you've seen how other, maybe less fortunate, people live. It also makes you more savvy in life. While traveling you have to figure out train times, accommodations, ordering foreign foods, all usually in a different language. Traveling pops your comfort bubble. Hopefully, I'll have a few blog posts on my journey. Look out for pictures!              

From now on, poems will be mine.

This is it

This is the only time.

It will never happen again,

This second, that minute, that last hour will never happen

again. 

So why dwell?

That second is already done.

Why wait? 

That is also something of the past now.

This is the time.

This, there, is the place.

Now is the time.

So go do everything. 

See everything.

Be everywhere.

And know that cliches can sometimes be real:

Time is fleeting.

Time is running out.

Time flies when you're having fun.

There's no time like the present.

Time after time.

This is the time.

I was really tempted to end that poem with #YOLO...

Up to the Date

I left off kind of outlining my many future adventures. I haven't yet heard back from Fulbright but in pure Mateja fashion I am really doubting my credibility. To put it bluntly: I'm not holding my breath. Yes, I have a lot of things going for me like that I am familiar with the culture, language and geography but I'm really competing with the big dogs here. I realized my competitors are most likely PhD candidates, published and just real life scholars. You can't even apply to the Slovenia grant without your Masters...or better. Anyway, just wanted to stress my worries about that situation. Luckily, I have a back-up plan: move to Austin! The city I have promised myself I would live a couple years of my 20's in. I have been looking at some Assistant Professor positions at the University of Austin Texas. So, there's that.

I also informed my readers that I was going to Nepal! Well, I did that. And it was a culture shock, to say the least. I have never traveled to SE Asia before this and I really don't know how to put my experience in words that are euphemistic enough to say what I mean. But it was wild. If anyone wants to be really "believe" in overpopulation, go to SE Asia. If anyone wants to "believe" in global warming due to the waste we produce, go to SE Asia. I thought I was prepared for a third world country traveling through Chile, Central America and some grungy parts of Europe. But wow. This level of poverty was something I could not quite shake. The amount of social responsibility, especially for a Westerner, was sometimes too much to bear. I couldn't bring myself to haggle for a 1.50$ in Rupees. This is quite a negative review. There were so many positives to add to the (initially) overwhelming negatives. The Himalayas are spectacular. Humbling. Fantastic. Freaking Huge. But if I saw one more piece of trash littering the most beautiful mountain range on our planet, I probably would have lost it. It got better as we got higher but, my god. My Mt. Everest. Nepal is amazing though, in it's own special third worldly way. Anyways, going way into this and there are more things to update y'all with. Like that I'm going back to SE Asia.

My boyfriend is traveling Thailand and Cambodia until February. Until I can join him. Yes, after all that I am going back to SE Asia. I need more, I guess. We are meeting in Vietnam and going up through Cambodia, Laos and Northern Thailand, then traveling down the Vietnamese coast back to Ho Chi Minh City.  We'll see how it goes...I had a dream about riding elephants last night so I am taking it as a good sign.

Here is a poem to leave off from my venting. Actually, instead of leaving you with someone else's poem, I will write my own.. It's time. And I am now in a creative writing group and I have gotten some pretty good feedback. I was always petrified of other people reading my writing but I don't think it's as bad as I think...

Double Edged Sword

This is different.
On the one hand it's just that, different.
On the other hand, it's sad.
This state of life is not a state of life.
Crawling out of a pile of trash as an insulated house is not life.
But maybe it is, it's their life.
And you look at their faces, raptured with such humbling happiness.
And you can't be happy with your three car garage and your 45 K salary.
Because it's hard.

They take their happiness from the looming mountains above them,
From their children's gleeful smiles,
From that extra dollar the westerner gives.

While people use their country everyday for the humbling experience of their nature,
this is their every day life.
This is what they live for.

It's all happening...

I sincerely apologize for my inaction. Apparently people actually read my blog for I have been getting rousted for my lack of communication. I always thought that blogs are a bit pretentious, especially personal ones. Who really cares what you are doing? But I guess that's the whole point of social media anyways...to prove to yourself that you are important enough that people want to know what you are doing. So, I will update and muse about what I have been doing as of late.

Fulbright
I am applying for the prestigious title of Fulbright Fellow in Slovenia. I am proposing to work with the post-war tension in the former Yugoslav republics that I have noticed while visiting. I aim to explore how media, literature and pop-culture may be influencing how people see the war and perceive the bordering nations. There is still quite blatant prejudice in Slovenia with their Balkan neighbors and I hope to ease the tension with an online multicultural center. Stay tuned...I find out if I get the grant in January. If I go to Slovenia next year then I think I will stay on at the University of Ljubljana to pursue a PhD in Slavic Studies. 

In the meantime I am TRAVELING!

First trip: 
I am going to the Dominican Republic for a wedding and then to Puerto Rico for a week with the boy with a pit-stop in NYC for my birthday tomorrow! Ready to party in the city and then get some sun...

2nd trip:
I am working part-time for my dad as a rep...the company I am primarily working for is Sherpa Adventure Gear. As much as I complain about the job (I hate driving to accounts and essentially being a slave to the buyer) there are some perks...like going on the company dollar to NEPAL. Yes, Sherpa Adventure Gear is flying all their sales reps to Kathmandu to tour the factories and have a sales meeting. AND they are taking us on a trek through the Annapurna Valley. So, I am getting ready for a spiritual journey and some exotic culture. 

3rd trip:
My brother is in Argentina for the year!! My friend Jesi lived in Buenos Aires for 2 years and her good friend is getting married. Jesi wants me to be her date. Score. 

4th trip:
My boyfriend has a one-way ticket to Thailand...Him and his pals are doing a surf trip through Indonesia. After the selling season/trade shows in January I am going to meet him in Cambodia and travel for a few months. No concrete plans yet...suggestions are welcome. I am very interested in Laos...

So, that is what I am up to. I also need to up my blogging because I am boasting about my blog skills in my Fulbright proposal so come back soon! 

For the parting poem this post, I think I will leave you all with a poem about traveling.
This is a poem by the great Scottish writer Robert Luis Stevenson, you may have heard of him...(Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) but he was also an amazing travel writer...

Travel

I should like to rise and go
Where the golden apples grow;--
Where below another sky
Parrot islands anchored lie,
And, watched by cockatoos and goats,
Lonely Crusoes building boats;--
Where in sunshine reaching out
Eastern cities, miles about,
Are with mosque and minaret
Among sandy gardens set,
And the rich goods from near and far
Hang for sale in the bazaar;--
Where the Great Wall round China goes,
And on one side the desert blows,
And with the voice and bell and drum,
Cities on the other hum;--
Where are forests hot as fire,
Wide as England, tall as a spire,
Full of apes and cocoa-nuts
And the negro hunters' huts;--
Where the knotty crocodile
Lies and blinks in the Nile,
And the red flamingo flies
Hunting fish before his eyes;--
Where in jungles near and far,
Man-devouring tigers are,
Lying close and giving ear
Lest the hunt be drawing near,
Or a comer-by be seen
Swinging in the palanquin;--
Where among the desert sands
Some deserted city stands,
All its children, sweep and prince,
Grown to manhood ages since,
Not a foot in street or house,
Not a stir of child or mouse,
And when kindly falls the night,
In all the town no spark of light.
There I'll come when I'm a man
With a camel caravan;
Light a fire in the gloom
Of some dusty dining-room;
See the pictures on the walls,
Heroes fights and festivals;
And in a corner find the toys
Of the old Egyptian boys. 

Robert Louis Stevenson

Future

Hello,

I have been thinking of late about my future. Crazy stuff. So, what does one do with a Masters degree in British and American Literature? Is teaching the only option? We will see...I can read and write well and I hear that in this job market (this terrible job market) that those skills are actually needed. That's sad but lucky for me?
I am applying for the Spring Internship at Lonely Planet here in Oakland. I went and toured their offices and I would be a happy Tej-Tej if I could work with them. They have a room entirely devoted to photo-viewing for when a co-worker returns from a trip. Leslie (the marketing girl) told me the latest one was when a co-worker returned this summer from Croatia. Pretty sweet. Every Thursday evening the Lonely Planet crew goes across the street to grab a beer at Linden Street Brewery.

Suffice to say...I want to work for them. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I also have been looking at internships with Sunset Magazine. That would also be awesome. Most of their internships are in New York City though. I am not sure I want to move away from the Bay Area yet but maybe it would be a fun new experience.

Another option on the table is furthering my education and going on to get my PhD. If I were to do that (it is not looking like an extremely lucrative decision because tenure is harder and harder to get) I would most likely study Slavophile literature and focus specifically on Slovene literature.  Maybe I could translate since I am fluent in Slovene...but in order to achieve this next feat, I think I would move back to Slovenia and live in Ljubliana with my cousin. Which would be amazing. I wouldn't apply until Fall 2013 for the 2013/2014 school year.

I go back and forth; freaking out and then telling myself I have time. I realistically don't have that much time to figure stuff out...I graduate in May with my Master's....hopefully I will have something lined up by then. If not...then...? I feel like ever since my accident, I take things day-to-day and bad things really don't faze me as much as they used to. At least I am not in the hospital with a dozen broken bones. Life is good.

When I was home for Thanksgiving, I met a friend's boyfriend who just happens to be the general editor of Powder Magazine. He told me that the best way to get noticed by a publication of this nature is to blog about skiing. So I may have some blatant ski/snow posts as the Spring comes. Working for Powder would be awesome. Except that they're located in San Clemente. I don't know how much I would like living in Southern California...but we'll see. That would be a pretty cool opportunity.

And I will leave you guys today with a poem about snow by Wallace Stevens. It really captures the beauty and tranquility of a snowy landscape. I have also beheld "[n]othing that is not there and nothing that is" while walking in the snow...it's a beautiful moment.

The Snow Man

One must have a mind of winter 
To regard the frost and the boughs 
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow; 

And have been cold a long time 
To behold the junipers shagged with ice, 
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think 
Of any misery in the sound of the wind, 
In the sound of a few leaves, 

Which is the sound of the land 
Full of the same wind 
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow, 
And, nothing himself, beholds 
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.