Apathy will be the death of me. 

Writing in a Vaccum

in this world of hyper-connectivity, a blog feels like speaking into a void. it's an online diary that feels so private and i truly don't know how i feel about it. in another sense, it is cathartic to have a place, a platform to write. it's been a long time since i've written on this blog but that seems to coincide with tej-tej's world... my last post was 2014 so that says a lot. i've moved to three different cities, with three different jobs, bought a fixer-upper triplex, and had a child! i would like to get published and this seems like a good place for me to practice my essay writing, poetry, and story ideas. 

the child

red sock, blue sock

how do socks get lost in the wash

i send my baby to school with mismatched socks

she comes home covered in paint and food and mud from playing outside all day anyways

working to define this new identity

as a mother

a partner

still a daughter, a sister, a friend

i imagine that will be a life-long balance

embracing everything, including this new toe-head light of my life

Writing

Writing is hard. It is something we all struggle with- we are thinking beings and to get those thoughts down in coherent words is hard. Writing as a career is even harder. I know I have constantly harped/complained/bitched/lamented on this subject but I realize I was going about it all wrong.

Trying to become famous through blogs as a new writer is really impossible. It has been done and there are always those success stories that make you so jealous, it hurts. But it isn't reality.

I finally got a job writing for a legitimate company. And I am writing about something that really interest me- the outdoors. I have realized that you reach the world-wide audience through places where audiences already exist (duh) and then hopefully the personal blogs also flourish because you have a following. It also helps when you have some sort of perimeter to write in instead of blindly looking for topics...

Maybe I'll get some fans...want to be my fan? Here is the stuff I have already published with Wide Open Spaces- http://www.wideopenspaces.com/author/mateja-lane/

I should maybe also change this blog's title to "wannabe famous writer" ...

New Blog!

I started writing for a website where I may make some money!
http://matejalane.hubpages.com
It won't be that different from my personal blog but hopefully I will get more traffic on the Hub site and more people will read my thoughts. If I have anything silly, I will still post here. Lot's of writing!

Making A Difference

I feel like I am having an existential crisis...trying to find a job in the tech market just feels so lifeless. How am I supposed to feel alive while writing software copy or selling AT&T. It just makes me feel so small and unnecessary. I was talking to my friend recently who works for a NGO saving the whales. I have another friend working with malnourished children in Africa. I'm sure they get some sort of pleasure from these positions. I always thought I would change the world and it's really inhibiting my job search. I realize that each working part of a company make the work influential as a whole but I feel like I want to make more of a difference on this Earth. I am just having a hard time caring about finding a meaningless job when our world is falling apart, what with ISIS beheading journalists, racism and police brutality, WWIII on the horizon and all the other things Vice reports on. But maybe I'll just write write Earth shattering software copy...at least it pays the bills.

Here are some lyrics from a Fleet Foxes song I found myself humming while I wrote this blog post:

Helplessness Blues

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique

Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see

And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be

A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me

Old School

I have been reading Dostoevsky again. Maybe I'm missing my studies and I spent a lot of time with Dostoevsky to write my thesis. Maybe I missed his psychotic unstable characters. But there is something about reading classics that make the reader nostalgic for a time passed. A simpler time, maybe? Realistically, no. I think passed generations had it a bit harder than the 21st century. Although, it does seem like the problems the characters have are much more immediate and small. Whom shall I marry? The neighbor has been frequenting the tavern so regularly...Did you know the milkmaid ran away with the butcher? Now with global connectivity, neighborhood drama is just gossip. Who cares about the little things when ISIS is taking over the Middle East, dictators are using chemical warfare and police brutality is getting out of hand. The level of transparency in our world today may be just really expose the ugliness of human nature. At least back in the 19th century society masked it pretty well so as uphold dignity. I'm not sure which is better but the 21st century definitely longs for a simpler time. It seems that the Medieval Age definitely wins in the nostalgia category. I can tell you, that was not a happier time. Mainly due to lack of sewage systems. But between Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, Clash of Clans, there is something alluring about feudal lords, knights, kings, jousting, swords...they just don't show the shit in the streets. Anyways, I think it's interesting that we obsess on generations passed and romanticize all the good things. I'll keep on reading the classics for the time-being. Besides reading Jonathan Franzen and Zadie Smith, I feel like Dostoevsky is more challenging than most contemporary authors at the moment...

Yes, I guess this idea isn't novel and groundbreaking...Monty Python got there first.

Passed Past

I miss yesterday.

It will never happen again.

Doesn't it make you wish you did more with yesterday?

Not quite regret but just

longing.

That you used that hour more...progressively?

Efficiently?

Wieldly?

If you make a word an adverb it seems to long more.

Desire more.

Desire morely. 

Desire wisely. 

***********

kitchen disasters?

So, as we have established...I have a lot of time on my hands, what with moving to a new city, unemployment and healing from knee surgery. I have been watching the Food Network...so I've been cooking! And baking! And failing! I was obsessed about this gnocchi dish I saw on Southern at Heart. That girl is just so darn cute with her Kentucky accent and all. So, I tried to recreate this oh-so-easy recipe. Spoiler: it came out just fine, actually really good. It just took me probably 3 times as long as this gal on TV made it. The dough was just so sticky and I had a huge mess as I tried to roll my gnocchi dough down a fork to make the little ridges. By the way, the Food Network labels this recipe as "easy." I felt like a failure. But I kept going. Next step was to boil the little cheese pillows and then fry them in bacon grease. Yum. But...my bacon grease was sizzlin and as I dropped the little nuggets in, the grease popped everywhere. Another mess. I definitely burned myself somewhere during that step. My final mistake was to add dates into the sauce because the recipe called for them. But I hate dates. I apparently thought they may be magically transformed in this special sauce. Anyways, long story short, the meal came out wonderfully I just had a big mess to clean up and the preparation took forever...not to mention the 80$ grocery tab.
I just have been thinking about all these meals I have been cooking and the cinnamon rolls I have been baking and the bread and how I have never tried to be a good cook, never really wanted to be. But there is something comforting about making something that is pleasant to eat, it's good and it's good for you because you know all the ingredients you put in it. I have really realized how rewarding cooking can be and even though it is frustrating, time-consuming and I am always my worst critic, it helps the healing process.
Here is the recipe:
 http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/damaris-phillips/goat-cheese-gnocchi-with-bacon-dates-and-kentucky-wine-sauce.html
And some pictures of my cooking:

Plus, baking treats make great instagram photos...

Pinch of This

Pinch of this,

Pinch of that,

Oh, wait, that was too much.

Shit, that's on fire.

Does bubbling mean it's overcooked?

Wait, that's ok.

Just sip some wine, it'll improve the taste.

But it's not so bad right? 

I'm never doing this again.

What's on the Food Network?

We need to run to the store...