i did this

I’m afraid of my attention span because I start to read and then stop as I get distracted by another headline or watch an Instagram story of a new baby. I tend to click on the stories of those who have new babies. And I never thought I would be that type of content consumer. But isn’t it funny how we surprise ourselves and the way we act on the internet? We think nobody is watching but I just saw a banner ad for a bouncing baby jumper and damnit, I’ve fallen into the own web I helped to create. 

Writing in My Head

 Struggling to imagine that I have new thoughts worthy of being put on paper. I’m always crafting earth-shattering descriptions and paragraphs and essays in my head. The light will pass through the window and hit a butter knife in the drying rack on the kitchen counter and I will describe how the afternoon glare is soft and buttery yet sharp like only a ray of sunshine cutting through winter chill can be. I think to myself that it is a beautiful description, that I should write it down, but then I scold myself. It’s not like I’m the only one who sees a sunbeam and thinks to describe it in writing, in a poem. It is paralyzing. Being a writer and never writing anything down. 

I think I’m stuck on making it new. I always think of Ezra Pound driving home that writers shouldn’t write anything unless it is new. Although, when looking deeper into his motto, it seems like it wasn’t a “new” idea at all...https://www.guernicamag.com/the-making-of-making-it-new/

But there is something to be said that the writing world is so saturated. There’s so much, too much, of everything. Too much noise, too much content, too many voices. Why would I add to that?

I write every day. But it’s about garage doors. It’s PRs for off-road races. It’s copy for cannabis websites. 

There’s also a level of exposure with writing. This has always been the case, but it’s accentuated now with our hyper-connected globe. Either your writing is lost in a sea of voices, or people connect with it and it explodes. 

I guess it all comes down to fear, though. And I keep hearing about how you miss the shots you don’t take…

 Apathy will be the death of me. 

Writing in a Vaccum

in this world of hyper-connectivity, a blog feels like speaking into a void. it's an online diary that feels so private and i truly don't know how i feel about it. in another sense, it is cathartic to have a place, a platform to write. it's been a long time since i've written on this blog but that seems to coincide with tej-tej's world... my last post was 2014 so that says a lot. i've moved to three different cities, with three different jobs, bought a fixer-upper triplex, and had a child! i would like to get published and this seems like a good place for me to practice my essay writing, poetry, and story ideas. 

the child

red sock, blue sock

how do socks get lost in the wash

i send my baby to school with mismatched socks

she comes home covered in paint and food and mud from playing outside all day anyways

working to define this new identity

as a mother

a partner

still a daughter, a sister, a friend

i imagine that will be a life-long balance

embracing everything, including this new toe-head light of my life

Writing

Writing is hard. It is something we all struggle with- we are thinking beings and to get those thoughts down in coherent words is hard. Writing as a career is even harder. I know I have constantly harped/complained/bitched/lamented on this subject but I realize I was going about it all wrong.

Trying to become famous through blogs as a new writer is really impossible. It has been done and there are always those success stories that make you so jealous, it hurts. But it isn't reality.

I finally got a job writing for a legitimate company. And I am writing about something that really interest me- the outdoors. I have realized that you reach the world-wide audience through places where audiences already exist (duh) and then hopefully the personal blogs also flourish because you have a following. It also helps when you have some sort of perimeter to write in instead of blindly looking for topics...

Maybe I'll get some fans...want to be my fan? Here is the stuff I have already published with Wide Open Spaces- http://www.wideopenspaces.com/author/mateja-lane/

I should maybe also change this blog's title to "wannabe famous writer" ...

New Blog!

I started writing for a website where I may make some money!
http://matejalane.hubpages.com
It won't be that different from my personal blog but hopefully I will get more traffic on the Hub site and more people will read my thoughts. If I have anything silly, I will still post here. Lot's of writing!

Making A Difference

I feel like I am having an existential crisis...trying to find a job in the tech market just feels so lifeless. How am I supposed to feel alive while writing software copy or selling AT&T. It just makes me feel so small and unnecessary. I was talking to my friend recently who works for a NGO saving the whales. I have another friend working with malnourished children in Africa. I'm sure they get some sort of pleasure from these positions. I always thought I would change the world and it's really inhibiting my job search. I realize that each working part of a company make the work influential as a whole but I feel like I want to make more of a difference on this Earth. I am just having a hard time caring about finding a meaningless job when our world is falling apart, what with ISIS beheading journalists, racism and police brutality, WWIII on the horizon and all the other things Vice reports on. But maybe I'll just write write Earth shattering software copy...at least it pays the bills.

Here are some lyrics from a Fleet Foxes song I found myself humming while I wrote this blog post:

Helplessness Blues

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique

Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see

And now after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be

A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me